Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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