I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
