Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
