She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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