I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
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