I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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