Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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