I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
