i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize