I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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