checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
