areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
