and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
