Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
