WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
