oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
