I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
