Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
