so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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