Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
