Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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