It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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