Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize