I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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