3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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