He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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