Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
