he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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