You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
