I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
