Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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