my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
