he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
