if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
