Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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