I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
