in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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