my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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