be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
