good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
