I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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