Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
