Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
no you cant smoke seaweed
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
