Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
