Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
