I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
