How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
