I like my sex mixed with concussions.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
