Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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