Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize