what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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