Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize