I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize