genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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