I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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