Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
