My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so let's talk penis.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
