She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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