Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
