If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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