I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
